Monday, April 15, 2013

Bogged and Boggier






 I have been so wiped out by my self lately. It's all ho hum, and meh, and blah around here. I was having a conversation with someone today about how why life just keeps on dishing it out when it's totally clear that right now you just cannot take it? How can I call "Uncle" or put up a "T" for time out and then I get a break from my head and my heart and I just be while laying out in the grass watching the clouds roll by?

I get so bogged down by things I'm not doing, or the things that aren't going right that I completely forget about the good stuff. And then I'm impatient with myself for feeling that way, and then I need an all day run to straighten myself out- or to at least slog out of the bog and maybe into the tall grass.

There's this thing I do. It's called: TOO MUCH. I am very good at too much. Perhaps a pro even. I eat too much cookies. Too much wallowing. Too much negativity? I've got it. I'm a gold medalist in too much self criticism. Numero uno at wanting to hide and hibernate, and also great at too much blaming other people when I'm not feeling good with myself. Too much afraid of life, of always being in this position I'm in and never getting on with it.

This part of early sobriety is not fun at all. It's not too much fun, it's the opposite of that. So I don't have the market cornered as far as the too much there.

So I guess I'm running up the boggy hill, bogging it up. I'm still going, but not very happy about it. I want my clouds back- pink or whatever. I liked that better. I feel better for a bit and then back to *sigh*.

And then I read about people dying in Boston and I feel like an asshole. So I guess what to do is this: keep slogging, keep bogging. And most important keep blogging. And really most important: remember to be grateful even when you feel like a grumpy black cloud. Because I'm sober and alive, and I can never get too much of that.

10 comments:

  1. Yep! So true! The damn perspective huh? I tell ya it happens to me all the time. And yes another tragedy puts it loud and clear. I am ok. Sending prayers to the people of Boston. So sad.

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    1. Perspective. You should always stay on its' good side. ;)

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  2. dear you. what if you were enough. what if right now was good. what if trudging uphill was a requirement in order to see the view from the top. what if you are gloriously bogging and blogging and you're sober and all is well. what if? thanks for being my sober penpal. even when you're boggy.

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  3. Slogging, bogging, trudging...sometimes that's all we can do. \Sometimes that is what we *need* to do. Sometimes that is all that is asked, and that is all we can give. It's not glamorous, nor does it make us want to jump up and down in gratitude. But we just slog, bog and trudge. At least when we do those things, we are still going forward. That is a plus. Stopping and reversing is a bad thing for us. We move ahead, and while it may feel like being in quicksand, we move ahead. I have moments like that...and early in my recovery I would have a week of it. It was difficult, but I go through it, and that's pretty much all we can do at these points. But they don't last long, and we seek gratitude like you did and it immediately shifts our way of thinking, doesn't it?

    Great post, as usual.

    Keep up the blogging and bogging :)

    Paul

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    1. Keep on keepin' on. My motto. :)

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  4. I'm not sure where you are on the sobriety train. If you're around 3-4 months...that's EXACTLY how I felt and EXACTLY when I relapsed...twice. So be careful.

    Also, this may sound trite but just stop. Stop and breathe and take in just one, tiny moment in your day - and then resume the insanity. You'll be shocked at how much peace that brings.

    Just my two cents.

    Sherry

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    1. Sherry, like really. Sometimes I think you are a mind reader. I'm 4 months and change. I'm being super careful.

      Thanks two cents. :)

      xoxo

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  5. Slogging is okay... lots of us have been in slumps lately, not just us sober bloggers either. I really think something is up with the weather, season and time changes. Head down, eyes up, and keep moving forward... you'll move out of your slump soon. ((hugs))

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    1. It does seem like I'm definitely not alone on this one. Which helps. ((hugs back))

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