Monday, April 8, 2013
Four Months Yesterday
How about that?
Yesterday I got up and went for a sunrise long run. I started laughing, out loud, when I remembered where I was four months ago: glued to my bed ashamed and Hungover unable to function. I have changed so much from that person. Thankfully, since that person was going to really wreck my life. So then I cried some, which is hard to do when running by the way.
I've been super emotional lately- reality setting in? Or just something inside me announcing to all my drowned feelings, "It's OK, you can come out now! It's safe!" And lord, everyone seems to be rushing the door at once.
Feelings: "It's OK! Woo hoo! We can come out now! YAY! Oh, look at that laundry!Grumble! Roar! AGH!!!! No one loves me enough to help with the laundry. Sob. Double sob. Help. Oh, wait. I think I'm OK again. It's OK! Woo hoo!"
Suffice it to say it's been a little bit like a roller coaster around here, except maybe not as exciting but with the screaming. Life is hard. Who knew under all that Prosecco and beer there were actual feelings besides guilt and self loathing? Now that the honeymoon seems to be over (although I will always love you sobriety- since we are soul mates) and married life is setting in I'm having a little trouble getting adjusted. Not I'm-going-to-have-to-drink kind of trouble, but trouble nonetheless. With a little "t".
But it's OK. Because even when it's hard, and I have so many feelings (Too many! That's enough for me thanks, I haven't even finished my first plate of feelings yet, no really. REALLY.) I am a thousand billion trillion times happier than I ever was living my life at the bottom of just one more. I'm so grateful to have reached the finish line- to have reached the end of that part. "Will it ever be over? Are we there yet?" YES. It is over, and we are there yet.
Four months sober. It seems like a gigantic huge chunk and then a little drop in a big ass bucket all at once. I am so proud of myself, and so grateful for y'all- this blog has helped so much. Sitting here at my desk in the morning sifting through things to tell you and how to tell them to you has made me less crazy. I sort through things so I can write them down and they become more clear. And then that helps. Hurrah!
I think that might be what sobriety boils down to for me: The Helps. All the little and big things you were afraid to ask for when you were drinking. Being able to say those two little words: "Help ME." Saying them to yourself, to someone else. Even the dog, or a tree. Or to God, or the sky. But asking. And then being grateful.
So thank you and me and God and the trees for my sobriety. I feel pretty dang happy. Even when I'm on the hard part of the roller coaster.