Monday, April 8, 2013

Four Months Yesterday




How about that?

Yesterday I got up and went for a sunrise long run. I started laughing, out loud, when I remembered where I was four months ago: glued to my bed ashamed and Hungover unable to function. I have changed so much from that person. Thankfully, since that person was going to really wreck my life. So then I cried some, which is hard to do when running by the way.

I've been super emotional lately- reality setting in? Or just something inside me announcing to all my drowned feelings, "It's OK, you can come out now! It's safe!" And lord, everyone seems to be rushing the door at once.

Feelings: "It's OK! Woo hoo! We can come out now! YAY! Oh, look at that laundry!Grumble! Roar! AGH!!!! No one loves me enough to help with the laundry. Sob. Double sob. Help. Oh, wait. I think I'm OK again. It's OK! Woo hoo!"

Suffice it to say it's been a little bit like a roller coaster around here, except maybe not as exciting but with the screaming. Life is hard. Who knew under all that Prosecco and beer there were actual feelings besides guilt and self loathing? Now that the honeymoon seems to be over (although I will always love you sobriety- since we are soul mates) and married life is setting in I'm having a little trouble getting adjusted. Not I'm-going-to-have-to-drink kind of trouble, but trouble nonetheless. With a little "t".

But it's OK. Because even when it's hard, and I have so many feelings (Too many! That's enough for me thanks, I haven't even finished my first plate of feelings yet, no really. REALLY.) I am a thousand billion trillion times happier than I ever was living my life at the bottom of just one more. I'm so grateful to have reached the finish line- to have reached the end of that part. "Will it ever be over? Are we there yet?" YES. It is over, and we are there yet.

Four months sober. It seems like a gigantic huge chunk and then a little drop in a big ass bucket all at once. I am so proud of myself, and so grateful for y'all- this blog has helped so much. Sitting here at my desk in the morning sifting through things to tell you and how to tell them to you has made me less crazy. I sort through things so I can write them down and they become more clear. And then that helps. Hurrah!

I think that might be what sobriety boils down to for me: The Helps. All the little and big things you were afraid to ask for when you were drinking. Being able to say those two little words: "Help ME." Saying them to yourself, to someone else. Even the dog, or a tree. Or to God, or the sky. But asking. And then being grateful.

So thank you and me and God and the trees for my sobriety. I feel pretty dang happy. Even when I'm on the hard part of the roller coaster.




14 comments:

  1. Congratulations on reaching four months! That is amazing! I am on .... drumroll.... day 3. So very envious. Well done you x

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    1. I was on day 3 too! Just keep adding days. Then all of the sudden you're all, "WHOA!" 2 weeks! Then a month! Then...you get the picture. :)

      Plus day one and two are the hardest and you've done that. Phew.

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  2. hip hip hooray! hippy hippy hooray :) let there be cake. and a parade. and balloons. i hope in addition to your sunday long run there was CAKE. right? right?

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    1. CAKE!!!!!

      Hurrah!

      Parades, unicorns, fireworks and smiles. And lots of gratitude. Esp. to you for being such an awesome pen pal and friend. Heart.

      xoxo

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  3. Amy,
    A third of a year, well that's just friggin' ages. How many wines, beers and you've got to be desperate drinks is that you've not had! Oh, doesn't even bear thinking about does it?! Yuk! Glad to have found you and your wonderful writing and it's a real honour to be sharing some of your journey with you. Your caring spirit always shines through in your blog and is quite infectious.
    So happy for you. C x

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    1. Carrie wow! That's a lot of non-had drinks. And a ton of non-misery. Thanks for saying such nice things. :) :)

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  4. Hey lady,

    I am so proud of you. PARTICULARLY for clinging on while the rollercoaster ride is heading down the dips. You will come out the other side of this phase even stronger and happier. I just know it.

    Look, over there, what's that? Why I do believe that's the glittery unicorn parade heading your way...

    Congrats on 4 months of fabulousness.

    Lilly xoxo

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    1. La la la! Unicorn parade! I see you and your month on the float!!! Yay! Thanks :)xoxoxo

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  5. Whooooo!! Good for you, Amy. High Fives!

    Do you remember the feeling when the roller coaster stops and it jerks back a bit...and then it's like - wow that's over already - that was cool and a little scary at times but I am glad I got on the ride!!

    Another Nice Sober Day!

    Jenny

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    1. totally remember that feeling. and so glad to be on the ride.

      Another nice sober day- I LOVE that.

      Thanks Jenny. :)

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  6. You made me look, I had to go back and look at where I was at four months and I found a post in which I said, "If I was doing any better I'd be shitting gold coins."

    Congratulations on 4 months of making your life richer!

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    1. 4 months is not making me do all that great, but i'm loads better than if I were drinking. :)

      Thanks!

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  7. Congrats Amy on four months...that's awesome!

    Big differences already eh? At least I have seen them here in your corner of the world, and that's just your words here...I can't imagine what wonderfulness your family and friends are blessed to see now. I imagine a vibrant, content, less-crazed (ha ha) woman, wife and mom who now loves being around others and enjoying what life has to offer.

    Thanks for your blog - you do great stuff. Congrats again :)

    Paul

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    1. Thanks Paul. I feel more crazed, but in a less crazy way. :)

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