Y'all, I had a visit and dinner with my asked for and answered universe new sober friend Amy. We laughed hysterically at general silliness of selves and children, and then had some suddenly deep as shit conversation. It was incredible to actually face to face talk to someone who has had so many of the same struggles I've had. I can see now why AA has such pull- a sympathetic ear is a balm to the soul. I felt more OK in my own skin today just from the compassion I was gifted.
I have been having a bit of a rough time, not all the time, but just that adjusting thing that keeps happening. I am practicing so hard being kind to me in my own head, but it's a hard habit to break. It's so hard especially since it's mostly unconscious and definitely unwarranted. Sometimes I just say, "You're OK, you're OK, you're OK" to myself just to be OK.
But last night I heard someone else say it. "You're OK." Amy said it like she meant it. And she said, "I understand" and it made me feel like I wasn't my own brand of crazy. That my to's and fro's are just regular back and forth. She looked at me with kindness and that has reminded me all day to keep looking that way, at other people and at me. I'd been not noticing closing my heart, putting up some protection: a shell to guard my delicate new self. Our visit last night made me realize that I have to open my heart wider, not cover it over.
Early sobriety is hard, and the early middle is harder. It's nice to have a friend to help carry the burden, another hand on the bucket. Thanks universe. And Amy's.