Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Inner Instructions



Um, what? What is that? It's kind of what I feel like when I'm trying to direct myself and my life, kind of like I'm making a shuriken. Whatever the hell that is.

I was five months sober yesterday. I'm so good at the not drinking part of being sober, but I've been pounding sugar like crazy. (no, really. I ate two pieces of cheesecake the other day. Then a sliver of pie. Then I broke off the crust of the pie and ate it. Then I finished all the yogurt pretzels.) I'm eating alcoholically.  Terrific. And also coffee. Coffee. COFFEE!!!!

I wonder at the part of people that says, "enough". When they were giving out "enough" I must have been in the bathroom. I don't really have that part. It's my missing piece. La la la la la.....what's that you just said? "Eeeeeee-huh? Eeeeeeee-nuff? I don't understand."

Yesterday I went on one of the worst runs of my entire life. It sucked from step one. I plodded along and plodded along, hating it, mad at myself for being so slow and so not wanting to run when I really wanted to run. Then all of the sudden I said to myself, "ENOUGH!" And I stopped running. And I walked. And then a really fit girl ran past me so I ran a little more because I imagined that that was what I looked like running and so I should probably be running. And then I walked. Adjusted my shirt. Glared at my pouffy belly. Agh!

But then. I said, out loud, "Who cares about your stupid pouffy belly?" And I laughed at myself, and all the angry inner instructions I bark at myself all day. Pretty much a bunch of crap about how I'm not doing it right, and I don't measure up. More about how I look to other people. (Horror. I kid myself that I don't care about that, but I guess I do.) No wonder I was pounding wine like it was my job. No wonder I down cookies like they're wine. I'm trying to shut my inner instructions the fuck up.

I need to stop trying to make a shuriken. I could start listening to the real inner instructions- you know the ones that aren't my ego. The ones that say things like: "Coffee is really messing up your sleep. You need to stop drinking it" and "Don't buy a pound of yogurt pretzels just so you can eat them all" and "Hey there, when you run, eat right, and get enough sleep you feel awesome. Let's go back to that."

So I haven't had coffee since Saturday. The headaches have been awful, but it's my body readjusting so they are kind of (kind of) a nice reminder that I'm resetting. The sugary stuff I want is gone (I ate it all) and I'm not going to buy more. Why can't we just do the things that make us feel right? Why do we resist what makes us feel the best? What the hell is wrong with me?

Nothing. *waves*  Just over here being human, working on some new instructions.


12 comments:

  1. Congrats on five months! That's totally awesome! ANd thanks for the great post! I was thinking back to my five month mark, and i clearly remember that all I could manage to do is to stay sober... It was messy, lots of sugar, coffee, soda, and steak! Yes, every Friday which was my hardest night I ate steak! Lol! So you're way ahead of where i was! Hang in, and be kind to yourself.

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    1. Yay 5 months. It feels like forever. In a good way. :)

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  2. Congratulations! Five months is amazing. Keep up with the running. I feel your pain - sometimes I run so well and it feels great, then at other times it's just plod, plod, plod...

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    1. Yep, sometimes I am so fleet and fast, and others I am plod plod plod. But I'm out there. :)

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  3. I seriously don't know why all the self-torture, but I love this post so much it hurts. I lol'd about you saying the thing about the pouffy belly and you walking and then running when someone else ran by because those are things I would have done. And I want to tell you the cravings will go away, but it's more honest to say they will get better because that's where I'm at now. I don't rely on mike and ikes anywhere near as much as I did at 5 months sober. I don't know if it ever really goes away, but I have reason to think it gets easier with continued work.

    And the no-coffee thing? Totally completely in awe.

    Finally, congratulations on FIVE months!!! You are awesome!!

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    1. Not so much self torture as self examination, with too much emphasis on being better and right right now. I do try to remember that it's a process, and finished is dead. And I'm surely not ready for that. I think why it comes across as torture is because I am an over analyzer, and so therefore beat everything to death until finally surrendering to what I really wanted to do in the first place. (I knew a month ago I needed to give up coffee and still I waited. I'm learning to listen to myself when it comes to that and not delay the inevitable.)

      Hurrah! 5 months! :) You are awesome too!

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  4. Five months is fantastic and, even though it seems you live in my head, I don't think you should be doing any "beating yourself up" until after a year. It takes that long to reset your body from lack of alcohol.

    So I say, give yourself a break.

    And get out of my head! ;-)

    Sherry

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    1. Giving self breaks, but also must do the ironing out of the life wrinkles.

      :) And you get out of my head too! Wait, don't, it's nice to have company in there. :)

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  5. umm, i agree with Sherry. i thought you'd sworn off of 'giving things up' ... except booze. coffee and cake. requirements. If Sherry says for a year, then i believe her... how about if you were enough already :)
    love xoxo
    no really, lots of love. and donuts.
    me

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    1. I'll take the love, and sub dried apricots for donuts. Win/win. :)

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  6. Ha ha...I am laughing because I have been going on a sugar bender too. Blech. I am hearing the same voices - "this is too much", "slow down", "remember the weight you lost??", etc. But there I am, shoving chocolate and cake like it's the cure for alcoholism. Whatever to that. Moderation isn't really in my vocabulary, so I am hoping to let this die down soon. As for the coffee, I was drinking 10-12 a day for the first 6 months or so of my recovery. For some reason I was able to start listening to that coffee-tinged voice saying it was too much. I was drinking coffee just to have something. I didn't need coffee all the time. Now I have 2-3 at most. Things shift.

    Congrats on 5 months! That's fantastic. :)

    Paul

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    1. I suppose if I can't have a margarita or 9 on the back porch I was feeling like I could have dessert all the time. Alas, still makes me feel like those damn margaritas, sad. Moderation isn't in my vocab either, but it better walk on in and find a comfy spot. Since I'm not totally giving up cookies, ever. Just eating too many of them. :)

      Cheers!

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