Isn't it odd how we tend to forget this very important fact? Or maybe you don't. I'm glad if you don't. I can't say the same thing for me. I forget all the time. It might be that patience part of me that I'm trying to strengthen not quite being even a muscle yet. I start just dashing through life, teeth clenched in my sleep, tension tuned and at the ready. Pushing myself around and kind of living in a busy fog. Not seeing the forest for the trees.
I went for a little run this morning. It was fine. And by fine I mean I wanted to run into runs arms and swing it around grinning "I missed you so!" Note to self: stop avoiding exercise. It makes you crazy.
I have my second meeting today. I'm nervous again, but not about the meeting, more about what sorts of shit it will dredge up. I've tried to patch things up with myself the best I could, but real forgive-me-ness is still a ways away. To get better I have to accept my past. To stay better I have to not repeat it. I'm not really mad at myself, just sad about the things that I'll excavate, and wondering how to deal.
I do know this: self care is crucial in my feeling OK. Eating right, moving my bod, sleeping. Taking a minute if I need it. Being understanding. Showing the love. Self care. Cause the more of it I have, the more I have to give.
Also, a warm congratulations to my dear pen pal Belle who is celebrating a one year of sobriety today. Here's to you friend! I'm glad to be a part of it.
Here's to that! I have been feeling so unnecessariily self indulgent with all the recovery stuff and trying to put myself first. It's another lesson, we just need to keep practicing and don't give up because we are worth it, we really are you know!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the meeting xx
Totally worth it. I'm so much happier when I'm taking care of me. Meeting was good. :)
DeleteHey love, sounds like a pretty gritty phase is happening for you.. but you're in the right place.. push on through, do those things that will move you in the right direction.. don't drink (!) and it will pass. Thanks for sharing on here, it's lovely to be a part of your journey even when the going is tough. I am sending you lots of sober love from afar xxx
ReplyDeleteVery gritty. And sometimes shitty. :) Thanks for the love. :)
Deletexoxoxo
Sounds like you're exactly where you need to be...and yes, self-forgiveness may take time, but accepting the past and acknowledging it is a big step in the right direction. You're doing great - you know where you're at and where you need to be. You're realizing all these important things like self-care, something many of us learn much later.
ReplyDeleteWonderful post.
Blessings
Paul
Self forgiveness. Whew. I am surprised by how mad I am, and by how LONG I had a big ass problem. But I'm being nice to me since I didn't remain a swilling fool.
DeleteCheers Paul! :)
It is still hard for me sometimes to take a moment for myself when the family constantly pawing at me for me to address their needs. And then the resentment kicks in. Great post and great reminder!
ReplyDeleteHi. Sorry you're having a bit of a bumpy ride, but the sun always shines after the rain! Hang in. And yes being good to yourself and acceptance is hard but, once you put all that aside there will be more freedom than you have imagined. Be gentle with yourself and take time. - Maggie
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