Day 3
3rd Good Reason to be Sober
I never trusted a word I said when I was drinking.
Trust & Truth
One of the biggest lies I continually told myself when I was drinking was that I was going to quit. Another one I told myself, and always at the end of the day, was that my drinking was not a problem, everything was OK. I lied to myself every day for years.
But no matter what I told myself I knew. I knew that I was not telling my truth. I knew that I might make guarantees at 7 AM but that I would never keep those promises. I knew that I was a liar. Not to be trusted.
Telling the truth is hard. But trust doesn't stand on a liar's foundation. And once you start telling the truth it gets easier and suddenly you have two feet. And you are standing. The truth is like the hike to the top, and the trust is the view.
Now I can trust myself. I have never felt a feeling quite like it before. Because I finally stopped lying to myself about hurting myself I feel safe with myself again.There's something about seeing your eyes in the mirror and knowing you can trust the person looking back at you. There's something about looking inside and knowing that you can search around your soul for some help and not come up with a stick.
Being sober keeps me honest. A truth-teller. A woman of her word. Counted upon. Trustworthy.
I'm with you on this one, Amy. If you wanted to know if I was lying, you just had to look at my lips - if they were moving, I was lying. I wouldn't trust myself with asking what time it was. ugh. All this to cover up the boozing, and to cover up the fact that I hated everything about myself, so I has to concoct all sorts of facades and the like to cover up the ugly me.
ReplyDeleteBut what you say is true - I can look at myself in the mirror now. And I know I have changed because when I *do* lie, it eats me up. I might lie to my wife about having walked the dog (I didn't) and I don't like it. sometimes I fess up, other times I just release it and hope to not do it again. Other than that, I can't think of many times that I lie. I also have to remember it's not what I say, but what I don't say that can be a lie - by commission or omission. So i need to work on that too.
But man, it's nice going to bed and hitting the pillow and not having to worry about trying to remember what I said, etc. It's just being honest...and honest with myself about myself. Lying to myself is the biggest thing...but that's another story...ha ha.
Great stuff, my friend.
Blessings and cheers,
Paul
Awesome post! It is an amazing feeling to be able to speak and believe yourself.
ReplyDeleteAgain beautifully said
ReplyDelete