Saturday, February 9, 2013

Curse Show

I'm not sure what it is about sobriety that makes me want to cuss like crazy. And not like "Awwww, fuck." Like "Fuck yeah!" or "Holy shit!"

Yesterday on my run my ego started whining, "This is kind of hard. Shouldn't we slow down and get comfortable?" And I spoke up, "Fuck you! RUN! It's supposed to be hard!" Then I chanted "Fuck you, run fuck you, run, fuck you, run" until I finished my last mile really fast for me. And then I walked and beamed and felt great since I gave that ol' ego bastard a beat down.

Oh, life. Aren't you funny? When I got home the dogs were filthy. Beaming at the back door, hair all stringy from the mud. Only their heads we a little dry. And us with a broken shower dog rinser thing-y. Cue ego: "Oh, no. This is haaarrrrddddd. What will we do? Let's just avoid this situation." I was noticing a trend here. Things get hard, ego hands you the easy card. Or a wine glass. Fuck you. Deal.

Instead we made a dog pen in the dining room so they could eat, drink, and dry off. (Side note: Dogs still messy. You should see the dirt on the couch from it drying and falling off while Jelly slept. Holy shit.)

As an encore life had this one last thing while I was two minutes from finishing dinner: "Mom? Hampton just threw up all over the coffee table." (my oldest said this so casually I thought he was kidding.) I walked in to the room to look. Yep. Barf. Coffee table, rug. And then all over the kitchen floor where he tried to make it to the toilet. Ego: "Waaahhhhhhhhh!!! Whhhhhyyyyyyyy?????? Who will clean this up?" I actually considered for a brief millisecond calling my husband at work so he could come home and clean it up.

And then I handled it. Fuck you. Big girl boots. Clomp. Clomp.

Sobriety. It's this cool place where you suddenly get to decide. You decide you can do hard things, and then you do them. It's this place where you have to yell strong words like 'fuck' and 'shut the fuck up' to that whiny part of you that's such a damned coward. It's where I get to feel like a superhero because I do hard things like run fast, handle dirty dogs, and mop up vomit.

It's where, in the night, I can go to my little sick four year old son. I hear his tiny voice "Mommy? Mommy?" and I'm there. I'm all there. I can rub his back, and look into his olive brown eyes. Push back his dirty blond hair. Hold the trash can while he barfs. And I'm not drunk. I'm not drunk.

Fuck yeah. :)


  1. I love this. You totally rock...Fuck Yeah!

  2. Ha ha...good stuff. Amazing how life actually goes on after we stop drinking? I always life would be an easy thing now that I got the drama and problems that alcohol out of my life. It's like I expected the world to part open and give me never ending serenity and lightness. Then yeah, barf...the same thing happens. But we're sober, and we deal with it, and it's not the end of the world, we don't catastrophize anymore...we just do what we need to do and move on. This is game of life...and now we're at least a part of it, my friend. :)

    I'd be cursing too if I had that kind of day :)


    1. It was the kind of day that, if I were still drinking, there would have been a lot of yelling, and bitching, and feeling sorry for myself. Instead there was deep breathing, dirty dogs, and cleaning up. And love. For me, and for my homies. :)

  3. awesome sauce.
    [well that just has multiple meanings given the *contents* of this post.]
    let's just say "you rock" and leave it there, shall we?
    fuck you fuck you RUN.
    ~ hugs from me

    PS/ when i was training for my one and only marathon, one of the songs i sang while running was 'it's my way or the highway'...
    this time i'm gonna let it all hang out
    this time i'm gonna stand up and shout
    gonna do things MY way
    it's MY way
    my way or the highway.

  4. Love it! Had the same feeling the other day; I am not drunk! I am not drunk! Fuck Yeah!

  5. yeah fuck yeah sometimes all you can say is fuck. it's such a great word, what with that 'f' at the top that you can really push out to make last.. and then that 'ck' at the end that you can really hit hard. it's an awesome word. my fucking husband travels a lot for work and last night he travelled to go to a stag party. fuck that i say, he's fucking going getting pissed with his mates while i sat on the fucking sofa with a fucking mug of fucking green tea watching fucking american idol. fucking great fucking sober me. xxxx

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. All that sounds a lot fucking better than being fucking hungover. :) Fuck yeah!

  6. Fuck-the hell-yeah! That feeling if being totally present for your kids all the fucking time is the best fucking feeling EVAH!


  7. Hell fuck YEAH! You fucking rock, you know that?

  8. And, I love this, as often with your posts, and am gonna hold that close the next time things get hard. I love that - sobriety is the place where WE GET TO DECIDE how we handle things without the booze brain running us.

    Lilly x

    1. We can say things like: "Uh, I'M in charge now boozeface. BEAT IT." :)