This is kind of the way blogging and living has felt for me this week. My brain is in stuck mode again. I know what it is. I don't know how to remedy it, but I know what it is.
I'm too busy. I don't have time to think, or sit, or be. Or if I do I spend it worrying that I don't have anything to write, or it isn't mindful enough, or that I want to watch junk TV instead of read the book I got from the library about living a better life or whatever. I found myself gulping my seltzer ginger drink last night while I was making dinner. A sure sign I need some love and care. And a little more sleep.
There has been a lot of other people's lives big stuff going on. A friend I worked with years ago lost her partner to cancer two weeks ago. Randomly this friend and I went to the one and only AA meeting I've ever been to together. I wonder if she's drinking still, if she is drinking more. Then a woman I work closely with lost her partner to cancer just a few days ago. Both were diagnosed at the end of last summer, and now. Gone.
I have two friends who are early pregnant. Hopeful and worried something may happen.
It's hard not to take on other people's shit. I can be such a fixer sometimes that I even try to figure out what the dog is thinking and then try to make it better. This is kind to no one. I know, I know. It doesn't even really make sense. I'm white knuckling it again, trying to control it all. Not playing God exactly, but maybe a low ranking assistant.
All those years I spent being numb. Drinking. Not thinking. Now I feel like a hamster in a wheel. Churning out thoughts on the assembly line. Analyzing. Not analyzing. Amazing! Nonsense! I can. I can't! All these deep thoughts are hard on a woman.
Maybe it's that I don't feel very safe. Secure. Consistent.
One reason why I love to write this blog is the way things get clear while I'm sitting here.
Open ended futures scare me. I'm in trouble then hmmm? But I don't mean I need to know the end, I mean more like I want a place to live where we'll stay for years. I want a job I can cultivate and grow into something that allows me to make a living and feel proud. And I want the patience to allow these things to happen as they happen.
Back underwater. But not to hide. To listen to the silence for a while.
Well said, I can totally relate! It is so important for us to feel safe, secure and constant. In the last year of my mom's losing battle with cancer, everything was so uncertain, the doctors had no answers or predictions, everything was up in the air and noting was certain. In this hard time my sobriety become my security blanket, it was the only constant that I had, it was my only known because I knew if I stayed sober everything would be OK. Hang in! Be easy on yourself. This too shall pass!
ReplyDeleteThanks. I need reminders to be gentle to me. :)
DeleteSnicker...snort snort...you said underwear!!!!
ReplyDeleteSorry...I used to do that with my kids all the time and it made the howl with laughter. Now I'm just hoping it made you smile.
I hate it when life just rolls right in and takes over where I was just sitting. It's like the dog - as soon as I get up to go to the bathroom she jumps right in my seat.
BUT - she keeps it warm for me.
All this chaos will lead to something good for you too. Maybe it's just keeping your seat warm.
Sherry
I know! Underwear! I have two boys 8 and 4- we're alllll about poop and pee and farts and underwear around here. Jeez.
DeleteThe dog analogy is perfect, and the keeping the seat warm makes me feel better too.
Life. Curveballs. Phew.
Thank you. :)
"Not playing God exactly, but maybe a low ranking assistant." that made me laugh...wonderful. But that second last line about wanting the patience to let those things happen - that is great...I am in the same boat. I want that patience now!! ha ha. But that is something I need to allow as well - the ebb and flow of things happening as they need to happen and being ok with it one way or another. That takes a different kind of approach and perspective for me, and that doesn't come automatically for this alcoholic.
ReplyDeleteYour post got me thinking - thank you.
Perspective. Dear God. Perspective.
DeleteSeems like my life is all about grass being greener and fences these days.
I appreciate your blog. I am on day 2...I had 10 days then blew it and drank Tuesday. I had 2 months sober last summer and have been at War with myself over drinking for years. I am ready to work on this sobriety thing. Thanks for letting me share. Sorry to be anonymous...I know that's lame but I am new to blogging and need to figure it out.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on being sober. Wish me luck!
Much luck. Keep reading, and write. People (like me!) will love you and give you hurrahs and support.
ReplyDeleteThe best part about blogging and sobriety is no matter how you're doing it, you're doing it right.
Share, share, share. Chances are someone will read it and think: "Holy shit. That's exactly how I feel/felt."
And now you're on day 3! Woot woot!