Saturday, December 15, 2012

Different From You, Same As Me

I might drink just like you- always watching for the last bit, making sure that doesn't happen (unless there's particularly drink-y company over who out drink me and don't know the rule about saving enough for the end of the night since running out before passing out is never a good thing and then my husband then has to go just up the street for overpriced beer). 

You might drink like me- a few in quick succession to start while you cook dinner, sneak outside for a cigarette or two while the kids are parked in front of the TV. Delaying dinner by ten more minutes so you can sneak outside one more time before the whole dinner/bath/stories saga starts and you know you can't just leave in the middle of all that. 

Or you might be a person who has one glass of wine with dinner, or maybe two and not finish the second. I have always wanted to be that person, but that idea fades quickly after I've had the first glass. Mmmmmm. MORE! My head announces, not even pretending to pay attention to logic. Or the children.

I'm starting my fourth day sober today. Last night I told my husband the news that I MUST quit drinking, that I am scared, that I don't want to be this person trapped in a time warp any fucking more. And he was scared, and said "OK" a lot which just pissed me off because I wanted a whole big unnecessary conversation filled with drama and "oh no" and "you don't mean it". He knows me well, and so the conversation was short and sweet, right to the point. He: "Yes, I can see why you think you have a problem. I will support you one hundred percent." Me: "Waaaaa, waaaaa, all you say is OK. Waaaaaaa, waaaaaa." Learning to listen to the other side of conversations will be one benefit of pulling my head from my ass. 

I was thinking this morning that I am a liar, and also an attention junkie. But by liar I mean to myself- I make up all these elaborate excuses and reasons for things to be acceptable to others in my head, although it is totally not necessary. My dramatic behavior (random passionate outbursts, random passionate suggestions for changing things around the house, random fits of anger at the children or my husband- pent up frustration that penetrates days of my life) all to get some kind of attention, anything! To get someone to really notice me and listen to me. (a ha!) Except I'm only me in fits and starts, just someone trying to hide who I am and what I'm doing with some moments of authenticity ever now and again.

Looking forward to today. And scared fucking shitless of it too.  


  1. I too was hiding who I was. The raw emotions are tough some days when sober but it gets better :), for me it is one day at a time. It's been a HUGE relief to stop hiding.
    Hang in there!

    1. A HUGE!!!! relief to stop hiding. This has been my best part so far. :)

  2. Amy,
    I saw the GH article and started following your blog yesterday. I really hope it will help me stop drinking, too. I'm proud of you!

  3. Just read the GH article and noting the date today. Must be a sign for me.
    Hoping I can do it this time. My story is so similar to yours except I am older. Wish me luck and strength.

  4. I read the GH article too and am now on day 53. I am glad I am doing this but I can't say that life is so much better without drinking. In some ways it is but in some ways it is worse. I keep reading from people about how fabulous being sober is. When does that feeling start to happen? 100 days? 6 months? A year?