Sunday, December 22, 2013

5 Days Until Christmas: Countdown of Good Reasons to be Sober Day 5

Day 5

5th Good Reason to be Sober

I have made (and lost) some amazing connections in my first sober year.

Heart Connections

When I first got sober I felt really alone, like no one would understand what I was going through. And that if they did they would think I was a total loser fuck up loser, and also that I was fat.

You know how, when you drink with people, and then you feel like you are just the best of friends because you get drunk together? That you don't really remember what you talked about, but you're pretty hungover so it must have been good, especially since no one is looking at you with that funny look you get when you did something or said too much while you were all bonding being wasted. I love you, man. I don't know what I love about you, but man. I do.

It's awkward to be new friends when you don't drink. You actually have to take the time to get to know people rather than be instant best friends and then stay that way as long as you drink together. There are uncomfortable silences, and times when you bring over cookies with nuts and your new friend is deathly allergic. Or maybe you are brand new friends and someone's father dies and you don't know what to say so you just blunder through and speak from the heart and hope what you say is OK.

And then months pass and you end up with a few people in your life that actually really deep down care about you. Who care enough about you to learn about you, and continue to learn about you. You take the time and you connect. And you care back. And there's effort, and laughter, and tears. Actual friends.

I have made many connections over the course of my sobriety- some that will last forever, and some that only last a few emails. I have given up relationships that I needed to, and some have just naturally fallen off along the way. There is strength in connections, real connections. Heart connections.

13 comments:

  1. Oh! Faux friends replaced by real friends! Sounds like a pretty good trade-off, despite the temporary discomfort. Even at not quite 2 months into this sober journey, I begin to see what I value in friends, activities, etc- undergoing some major changes. Congratulations to you!!!

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    1. Yep, my friend requirements have totally changed. My biggest one went from "Like to drink a lot" to "Have mutual friendships." Mutual friendships are a two way street. There's get and give.

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  2. I was so scared of losing friends at first that I held on really tight, even though I needed space to sort things out and grow stronger in my sobriety. It is nice to finally be able to let go...let things fall into place as they are meant to. I am looking forward to more heart connections in sobriety. I know they are waiting for me. xx -Jen

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    1. Sometimes it's hard to let go of people, especially when you have history. But you get to a point where you just won't put up with certain stuff, and that's OK. Some people just ain't meant to be. And some people are! It took me a while, but I sort of figured out what I wanted in a friend, and then it just all sort of naturally happened. I'm looking forward to more connections too. They make us strong, and since we aren't hiding behind wine bottles anymore we can find them! :) xoxoxo

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  3. This is one of the best bits! The criteria changes and you realise how fickle your choices were before and how much you can add to your life by taking out the superficial stuff. These connections run deeply in sobriety and they mean so much!
    Carrie x

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    1. There is nothing like a friend. Having someone to go to when you're down or triumphant is really really nice. xoxoxo

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  4. Heart Connections... sigh, this is so true. I'm grateful for everyone who has come into my life when I needed them -- you're right, sometimes that it is only for a few emails or for a smile or meeting; and sometimes those connections last much longer. Even if you don't always talk or see these people, you know that they are there.
    Always here, Amy :)
    Merriest of Merry to you,
    Christy

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  5. This still scares me. So many of my oldest of friendships are still entangled with drink and I worry that now that I don't they will flounder. Only time will tell x

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    1. It's OK to be scared. :) Things will happen as they will. I found that I really had built most of my friendships on boozing and so they gently fell away. I also found that I really didn't have many real friends. That hurt. But the friends I have now make it worth it. xoxoxo

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  6. I count you as one of those long term heart connections. I heart this post too.

    😉

    Sherry

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    1. We are definitely in a long term relationship. :)

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  7. True friends are like gold, hard to find but worth the search. I like the way you explained that it takes us awhile to get to know each other since we're not spilling all of our secrets 2 hours and several drinks after we meet, I never thought of that, I just that I was...awkward. I still think that but I feel a little better about it.

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    1. It's sort of like how you became friends when you were a kid- you just kind of hang out together for a long time because you like to. And you didn't run up and start blurting out all of your secrets, it took time before you'd whisper them to your new friend. I will actually say to myself "OK, so here's the awkward part that won't be here in a year because we'll have been friends longer." and that makes me feel better. And then I try to to talk over the silences. :)

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