Day 7
I never knew how many feelings I had until I started actually having them.
7th Good Reason to be Sober
Feelin' it
When I was drinking I pretty much had three feelings: drunk, hungover, and guilty.
Now, holy moly. There are so many feelings I might have to ask some to just please sit down and wait your turn. They aren't all joy and peace either- some of those bitches grab on with the big teeth and will not let go. Sometimes I feel so gleeful and glorious and whole altogether that I might turn myself inside out with my grin. Sometimes I feel quiet and thinkful, then thankful, then cranky and crazy making. Mostly I just feel pretty dang normal. Divinely normal.
One feeling that never goes away is this: blessed. I don't mean in a grab your book of hymns and march it down to the pews way, or a someone go get Jesus way. (But if you want to go ahead. He's a cool guy. And I do like singing.) I mean it in a deep down wash me in rainbows way. A woot woot woot WOOT! way. In the earnest thank you way that this is now my life. Because I am sober I get to feel it all.
That feels worth it.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
8 Days Until Christmas: Countdown of Good Reasons to be Sober Day 8
Day 8
The value of the help I get and give cannot be measured even with the big ruler. I would never, ever ever have gotten to feel the cradle of a helping hand- whether it be a pen pal, or a friend, or a group, or my own backbone without first asking for help.
8th Good Reason to be Sober
Helping hands
When I was drinking I could never ever ever ask for help. Ever. I just drank and remained helpless. Helpless.
When I quit drinking the one big big biggest thing that made me not jump in the car and buy ninety four bottles of wine to chug while I made dinner was this: I wrote an email to a woman I'd never ever met or heard of and said, "Hey, I'm trying to quit. I'm scared." And then Belle wrote me back and said, "I'd be glad to be your pen pal." And she help save me.
Because I asked.
As I got more sober time I learned something: I could ask myself for help. And then I would show up. Every time. Reliably. I became my own help. I help save myself.
Because I ask.
Then I prayed to the universe for a face-to-face friend and Universe Amy showed up. I call her when I need to say "Gah, life is a plane crash today and my heart is breaking into pieces." and she reminds me that I'm OK. Makes me laugh. Values me. She is help.
Because I ask.
And then I joined a women's recovery group. I cry and laugh it out loud over and over: "Help me. Help me. Help me." All these hearts and hands reach out and save me.
Because I ask.
Some say you gotta sin to get saved. But I think you have to ask to get helped, and when you get helped you get saved more that you ever imagined could be real for your one living life.
You reach out your scared hand and heart and say "Help me. Heal me. Save ME. SAVE ME. HELP ME."
Just ask.
The value of the help I get and give cannot be measured even with the big ruler. I would never, ever ever have gotten to feel the cradle of a helping hand- whether it be a pen pal, or a friend, or a group, or my own backbone without first asking for help.
8th Good Reason to be Sober
Helping hands
When I was drinking I could never ever ever ask for help. Ever. I just drank and remained helpless. Helpless.
When I quit drinking the one big big biggest thing that made me not jump in the car and buy ninety four bottles of wine to chug while I made dinner was this: I wrote an email to a woman I'd never ever met or heard of and said, "Hey, I'm trying to quit. I'm scared." And then Belle wrote me back and said, "I'd be glad to be your pen pal." And she help save me.
Because I asked.
As I got more sober time I learned something: I could ask myself for help. And then I would show up. Every time. Reliably. I became my own help. I help save myself.
Because I ask.
Then I prayed to the universe for a face-to-face friend and Universe Amy showed up. I call her when I need to say "Gah, life is a plane crash today and my heart is breaking into pieces." and she reminds me that I'm OK. Makes me laugh. Values me. She is help.
Because I ask.
And then I joined a women's recovery group. I cry and laugh it out loud over and over: "Help me. Help me. Help me." All these hearts and hands reach out and save me.
Because I ask.
Some say you gotta sin to get saved. But I think you have to ask to get helped, and when you get helped you get saved more that you ever imagined could be real for your one living life.
You reach out your scared hand and heart and say "Help me. Heal me. Save ME. SAVE ME. HELP ME."
Just ask.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
9 Days Until Christmas: Countdown of Good Reasons to be Sober Day 9
Day 9
Now here we are on the day it really is, unless you're reading this tomorrow then it's the day it really isn't. Maybe I had too much coffee. I had a heart-to-heart with Universe Amy about something I consider one of the biggest parts of my sobriety- humility. There's an art to being humble, it's hard to do in this world of look at me look at me look at me. How to balance being proud and shining without coming across as a know-it-all arrogant asshole.
9th Good Reason to be Sober
Humility & Grace
I have been struggling some with trying to feel this new feeling: pride. You know how that goes- welp, before a fall they say. I am so proud of myself for being sober for a year! For writing a blog people enjoy! For being really good at sobriety. I wonder when we got to a place that says be as good as you can but shut up about it. Trying to temper success, but still be able to show your joy. To be able to be all Dalai Lama about it. To radiate awesomeness rather than announce it. To have the strength to take a bow even if you're the only person in the audience. And then throw flowers too.
So much of our successes depend on what other people think of them. Being sober is trying to give me the ability to celebrate myself from within, and then be able to share that rather than megaphone it. It's hard when you're being sober and you need a parade every day to keep going and then you have to ask for it.
Humility and grace go together. I think as a whole we are pretty bad at accepting praise. "You look so pretty!" "Oh, no, I just rushed out of the house." "What a great shirt!" "Oh, no, I got it on sale for like 50% off." We have to explain why we aren't pretty, or why good stuff isn't true, or how it might be, but only because we got it at a discount.
It has been wonderfully overwhelming to get all the kind messages I have throughout the course of writing this blog. I am learning to accept praise offered and accept it with grace. "Thank you." "I appreciate you saying so." and not have to explain my goodness away as some sort of accident or markdown.
To be able to be humble, but without being meek. To be gracious. To be welcoming, and comforting, and to be proud.
Later.....
I had my women's group meeting today. My therapist gave me a one year chip. It took my breath away. In that room, tears running down my face, I felt humbled by the simple beauty of that gift, by her belief in me. I managed to say, with all the grace a sobbing woman can muster, "Thank you so much. I was lost for a really long time. It feels really good to be found." I felt humble and heartswollen and proud and full of messy grace. Overflowing of good reasons to be sober.
Now here we are on the day it really is, unless you're reading this tomorrow then it's the day it really isn't. Maybe I had too much coffee. I had a heart-to-heart with Universe Amy about something I consider one of the biggest parts of my sobriety- humility. There's an art to being humble, it's hard to do in this world of look at me look at me look at me. How to balance being proud and shining without coming across as a know-it-all arrogant asshole.
9th Good Reason to be Sober
Humility & Grace
I have been struggling some with trying to feel this new feeling: pride. You know how that goes- welp, before a fall they say. I am so proud of myself for being sober for a year! For writing a blog people enjoy! For being really good at sobriety. I wonder when we got to a place that says be as good as you can but shut up about it. Trying to temper success, but still be able to show your joy. To be able to be all Dalai Lama about it. To radiate awesomeness rather than announce it. To have the strength to take a bow even if you're the only person in the audience. And then throw flowers too.
So much of our successes depend on what other people think of them. Being sober is trying to give me the ability to celebrate myself from within, and then be able to share that rather than megaphone it. It's hard when you're being sober and you need a parade every day to keep going and then you have to ask for it.
Humility and grace go together. I think as a whole we are pretty bad at accepting praise. "You look so pretty!" "Oh, no, I just rushed out of the house." "What a great shirt!" "Oh, no, I got it on sale for like 50% off." We have to explain why we aren't pretty, or why good stuff isn't true, or how it might be, but only because we got it at a discount.
It has been wonderfully overwhelming to get all the kind messages I have throughout the course of writing this blog. I am learning to accept praise offered and accept it with grace. "Thank you." "I appreciate you saying so." and not have to explain my goodness away as some sort of accident or markdown.
To be able to be humble, but without being meek. To be gracious. To be welcoming, and comforting, and to be proud.
Later.....
I had my women's group meeting today. My therapist gave me a one year chip. It took my breath away. In that room, tears running down my face, I felt humbled by the simple beauty of that gift, by her belief in me. I managed to say, with all the grace a sobbing woman can muster, "Thank you so much. I was lost for a really long time. It feels really good to be found." I felt humble and heartswollen and proud and full of messy grace. Overflowing of good reasons to be sober.
10 Days Until Christmas: Countdown of Good Reasons to be Sober Day 10
Day 10
I was sick in bed all day yesterday which is why we're having day 10 and 9 on the same day. I wanted to post, and then also wanted to sleep a lot. I feel better today, not 100% but better. I had my day 10 all picked out, but now I'm switching 10 and 9, because 9 seems more like it should be where 10 is and vice versa. Without further ado.....
10th Good Reason to be Sober
Care-taking
I debated for an hour before I called in sick to work yesterday. This was around 4 AM. Finally my voice- you know that one, the smooth Sade voice that soothes you and mothers you when you are all chatterbug: "No no no, I have to go. I can, it will be fine, blah blah bullshit bullshit....." And then Mama Sade steps in and talks some sense: "You are sick honey. It's OK to stay home. It's OK to get well. You need sleep and hot tea. It's OK to take care of you. It's OK to take care of you."
Being sober has given me the enormous gift of knowing when I need some lovingcare. It has made it easy to recognize my crazy making self and be able to reach out for her hand and say, "Whoa there. Slow down. Stop all that thinking and breathe a minute. You are OK." It has made it a priority for me to look out for numero uno- me. Which isn't selfish, or rude, or taking anything away from anyone else. Being my own care-taker has made me trust myself again. Who is looking out for me? Me, that's who.
And because I take care of myself I can deal with life. I get to feel strong enough to weather the storm. I get to have faith in me because I give myself love and tenderness and care.
I was sick in bed all day yesterday which is why we're having day 10 and 9 on the same day. I wanted to post, and then also wanted to sleep a lot. I feel better today, not 100% but better. I had my day 10 all picked out, but now I'm switching 10 and 9, because 9 seems more like it should be where 10 is and vice versa. Without further ado.....
10th Good Reason to be Sober
Care-taking
I debated for an hour before I called in sick to work yesterday. This was around 4 AM. Finally my voice- you know that one, the smooth Sade voice that soothes you and mothers you when you are all chatterbug: "No no no, I have to go. I can, it will be fine, blah blah bullshit bullshit....." And then Mama Sade steps in and talks some sense: "You are sick honey. It's OK to stay home. It's OK to get well. You need sleep and hot tea. It's OK to take care of you. It's OK to take care of you."
Being sober has given me the enormous gift of knowing when I need some lovingcare. It has made it easy to recognize my crazy making self and be able to reach out for her hand and say, "Whoa there. Slow down. Stop all that thinking and breathe a minute. You are OK." It has made it a priority for me to look out for numero uno- me. Which isn't selfish, or rude, or taking anything away from anyone else. Being my own care-taker has made me trust myself again. Who is looking out for me? Me, that's who.
And because I take care of myself I can deal with life. I get to feel strong enough to weather the storm. I get to have faith in me because I give myself love and tenderness and care.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
11 Days Until Christmas: Countdown of Good Reasons to Be Sober Day 11
Day 11
It's kind of cool that AA has 12 steps, and I'm counting down 12 reasons sobriety rocks. I'm also reading a great book called A Woman's Way through the Twelve Steps so I have the number twelve on the brain. If you haven't read this book I recommend it. I'm on the fourth step in my reading. There are some things I do not like about AA, but the twelve steps is not among them. I like the thought of measured self search in a logical way. And that they don't have to be in order.
11th Good Reason to be Sober
Better Coping Skills
So, before, when I was a boozer, the only way I knew how to deal with life was to drink. I drank when I was happy or sad, struggle-y or cruising along, you know- breathing in and out, whatever. Now I have to deal. It is not always fun or easy. In fact, this has been the hardest year I've had emotionally in as long as I can remember. But I feel like I've healed more than I ever have. I have gotten to know my wondrous self. I can tell when I'm cranky because I'm PMS. I can feel my hormones gearing up. I can tell when I need sleep, or when I need some encouragement. I can feel my happies. I can lose myself in moments. I can cry from way deep down- feeling that sorrow like a surge inside me well up and spill out and cleanse my aching soul. And then I can be OK.
It feels like I get to have a life because I deal with life. That because I face what comes instead of drowning it I get to feel it, live it, and move on.
P.S. Today I have been writing this blog for one year! :) My blog has been one of my biggest coping skills. It helps me sort things out when I'm stuck, or share some goodness. Thanks for reading. It feels important that I share my struggles and triumphs to keep myself from hiding. I always feel so grateful that even one other person reads what I write. It helps me, really helps me. xoxoxo
It's kind of cool that AA has 12 steps, and I'm counting down 12 reasons sobriety rocks. I'm also reading a great book called A Woman's Way through the Twelve Steps so I have the number twelve on the brain. If you haven't read this book I recommend it. I'm on the fourth step in my reading. There are some things I do not like about AA, but the twelve steps is not among them. I like the thought of measured self search in a logical way. And that they don't have to be in order.
11th Good Reason to be Sober
Better Coping Skills
So, before, when I was a boozer, the only way I knew how to deal with life was to drink. I drank when I was happy or sad, struggle-y or cruising along, you know- breathing in and out, whatever. Now I have to deal. It is not always fun or easy. In fact, this has been the hardest year I've had emotionally in as long as I can remember. But I feel like I've healed more than I ever have. I have gotten to know my wondrous self. I can tell when I'm cranky because I'm PMS. I can feel my hormones gearing up. I can tell when I need sleep, or when I need some encouragement. I can feel my happies. I can lose myself in moments. I can cry from way deep down- feeling that sorrow like a surge inside me well up and spill out and cleanse my aching soul. And then I can be OK.
It feels like I get to have a life because I deal with life. That because I face what comes instead of drowning it I get to feel it, live it, and move on.
P.S. Today I have been writing this blog for one year! :) My blog has been one of my biggest coping skills. It helps me sort things out when I'm stuck, or share some goodness. Thanks for reading. It feels important that I share my struggles and triumphs to keep myself from hiding. I always feel so grateful that even one other person reads what I write. It helps me, really helps me. xoxoxo
Saturday, December 14, 2013
12 Days Until Christmas: Countdown of Good Reasons to Be Sober
Day 12
So, I thought it would be a good idea to have a sober Christmas countdown. Then I realized I'm not sure if the counting goes 1-12 or 12-1. So I'm going 12-1, but you can rearrange as you see fit. You know, much like sobriety. Here's my example of stuff, and then you push it around and hem it a bit or add to it to make it fit just right for you. The we can all sing them at the end.
12th Good Reason to Be Sober
Sober Mornings
Oh, man. This is still one of my ultra deluxe very very favorite things about being sober: no WTF mornings. I used to hate that feeling of waking up at lord knows what time (3AM? 5AM? Late AM?) and having that pit-in-the-stomach feeling of what the hell did I do last night? And then you check your partner's face, your phone, Facebook..... some days I couldn't figure it out and would just force some extra cheerfulness over the hangover to fool myself into thinking everything was OK. Ugh. I don't miss that AT ALL.
Now I wake up rested most days. I never ever ever have to wonder WTF did I do last night. EVER.
An excellent reason to be sober.
So, I thought it would be a good idea to have a sober Christmas countdown. Then I realized I'm not sure if the counting goes 1-12 or 12-1. So I'm going 12-1, but you can rearrange as you see fit. You know, much like sobriety. Here's my example of stuff, and then you push it around and hem it a bit or add to it to make it fit just right for you. The we can all sing them at the end.
12th Good Reason to Be Sober
Sober Mornings
Oh, man. This is still one of my ultra deluxe very very favorite things about being sober: no WTF mornings. I used to hate that feeling of waking up at lord knows what time (3AM? 5AM? Late AM?) and having that pit-in-the-stomach feeling of what the hell did I do last night? And then you check your partner's face, your phone, Facebook..... some days I couldn't figure it out and would just force some extra cheerfulness over the hangover to fool myself into thinking everything was OK. Ugh. I don't miss that AT ALL.
Now I wake up rested most days. I never ever ever have to wonder WTF did I do last night. EVER.
An excellent reason to be sober.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Dare to Be
It's really, really odd to be sitting here knowing that on this day last year I drank for the last time. That a year ago tonight I opened bottles of wine and smoked and drank and crushed myself with abandon.
I got wasted.
I don't even recognize that woman anymore.
I don't miss drinking. Not a bit. Not a drop. No just one more or full glass could possibly compare to the year I've had.
It seems like getting sober took the longest three months of my life. That never ending five o'clock that tortured me over and over until I just had to go to bed or go crazy. The days that lasted forever and ever and ever and ever. I picture myself, standing in the kitchen hands open at my sides lost and confused. "What do I do if I'm not having wine now?" And then the deafening silence of not knowing.
Somehow I learned to listen to the quiet. I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. I wanted the pain of being sober more than I wanted the pain of where I was. I wanted to suffer so I could shine. I decided I was brave enough and strong enough and even though I felt worthless I was worth the struggle of making it please stop.
The weight of the voice in my head that let me drink and then beat me up all day just got too heavy for me to carry. I just couldn't anymore. I got sober.
I learned to be sober. Because after you get sober you have to be sober.
I don't know about how typical I am or not. People look at me like I have two heads when I say I quit forever with the ease that someone might say "I like donuts" or "Tomorrow is Saturday." But wait! I want to say- hold UP. You can't see me from about 1986 to December 7th 2012. You weren't in the kitchen when I was dying inside.
I am very very very passionate about my sobriety. I work hard at it. Very hard. I am honest about it. I reach out when I want to hide because I know that I need to. I make plans when I want to stay home. I speak up in my recovery group when my heart is racing and I feel like I should be quiet, that no one is interested. I tell people the truth about me and I don't let them dictate whether I like me anyway. I believe in myself. I am proud of myself. I am smart, and brave, and awesome. I make sure that when that pipe-y little voice pipes up to say "You aren't any of that." I say "Yes I am. YES. I. AM."
Because I dare to be.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)