I didn't eat pigeons, but I did eat biscuits. Two of them. With jam my husband made from strawberries we picked last May. And they were delicious.
I was doing this "thing" called the Whole30. One of those detox/minimalist diets that are all the rage now. Speaking of rage...well, that's a strong term for what I was feeling. I was really just sick of it. I'm tired of the messages from everywhere that we aren't good enough just the way we are. That we always have to be a little thinner, or more enlightened, or have longer, stronger hair. Run faster, run farther,more more more moremoremoremore. My neighbor, who is a size two for fuck's sake, still thinks she's fat.
Since when is my life all about struggle and dissatisfaction every day? Oh, right. Only everyday. But then two things happened yesterday. One was something Belle commented on the post I wrote yesterday, "you're not broken. you don't need to be fixed." And two: I realized that everything is available. And that I have some common sense. And all that stuff they say about choices is true.
I thought about the biscuit I've wanted for weeks now. I compared it to wanting a glass if wine. I thought about how choosing not to have the wine makes my life easier. Less complicated. I thought about how, if I had that one glass of wine I would probably have seven or eight. How it would wreck my medium stable grasp on sobriety. How a biscuit would probably just be a biscuit.
It's hard to find the balance of making sure the booze carries the weight it needs to (fucking soul destroyer) and not giving it too much power (meh, no thanks). That's true then for all these decisions, isn't it? Biscuit or no biscuit, run three miles or don't, yell or take a breath, read or take a nap, rob a bank or go to work, jeans or yoga pants.
The choice about sobriety was made for me a long time ago- I must be it. Or I am a mess. So it's not really a choice any more, it's decided. The answer is always no.
But these other choices- Choices Light- I'd like to take these as they come. And I'd like to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks I should do or be, and start deciding that for myself.
I went upstairs yesterday morning with the kids and shook my husband awake. Asked him to go get biscuits. Gave up twenty-six days of hard choices gracefully. It was time.
Damn those are some crazy-good lookin' biscuits. And I hear every bit about what you're saying.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing the Whole30 too aren't you? I made it so far and just did not want to anymore, so I didn't. Plus I'd already "failed" because I took flu medicine that had high fructose corn syrup, and I had three cough drops with honey. Last night I had three spoons of frozen cream cheese frosting for dessert- there was nothing else in the house! :)
DeleteNah, just a sugar-quit for me. I'm still eating grains and dairy and even natural sugars in fruit. And some days/hours it totally sucks, so believe me when I say I get why you decided to scale back on this right now. Early sobriety is incredibly hard work and it's not that you couldn't do both at the same time - it's more like you should take care of the most important need first and nurture yourself in other ways. We don't need to tackle everything at once. Or maybe at all with the food thing. You sound like you eat very well already. P.s. please eat an extra biscuit with homemade jam for me please, xo
DeleteThis doesn't have anything to do with being sober really, but we've been trying to do paleo this year. Not strictly, but I figure any attempt at eating cleanly & eating whole foods is good. I also don't really buy into the whole organic meat thing, but anyway... my daughter & I were shopping & she asked for some Kraft mac & cheez. I said, "What!?! That's practically poison!" She said, "Practically? Mommy it IS poison. Tasty, tasty poison."
ReplyDeleteI hope that silly story made you laugh & I hope you thoroughly enjoyed your biscuits because in the whole scheme of things, it's just a fucking biscuit.
That does make me laugh! :) My whole family was quite happy to see me rejoin the family eating. And, for god's sake- we don't eat out of boxes and the drive thru. And really, it is just a biscuit. A tasty feel the love yummy treat. And there's nothing wrong with that!
DeleteThat's the way I started to feel- as long as I'm trying, why put up all these restrictions and rules? Sometimes you just want something you "shouldn't" have. And at the end of it all I'm pretty sure the clean eating police aren't there handing out medals. :)
Nope pretty sure Tosca Reno isn't around the corner either with medals & atta girls!
DeleteBTW, my daughter is now taunting me with texts saying she's enjoying an after school snack of Ramen noodles. Argh!
Think we'll have some kale for dinner tonight!
Kale trumps everything. Even a McBurger is good for you if you put kale on it. ;)
DeleteThose biscuits are delish! I'll talk to the owner and see if we can get one that looks like baby Jesus. ;)
ReplyDelete