Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Say What?

"'Motherfuck-itude' and 'motherfuckery' is 

about quitting your bitching, getting out of 

your own ego, and getting to work."

I read this and wanted to immediately print it out and tack it to the wall above the desk. And then live by it every single mother fucking day. I'll have to memorize it since it's probably not appropriate for an eight and a four year old to get their minds on. "Mommy? What's a 'mother fucker'?" I think the word 'ego' is a much dirtier one. But the bad word police didn't ask me. 

I've been wallowing a lot since the Girl Scout cookies arrived. Eating them with total abandon. Alcoholic abandon. "Hi, my name is Amy and I'm a Girl Scout cookie-a-holic." Really it's more like this: "Hi, my name is Amy and I'm a give-myself-permission-to-do-whatever-I-want-even-if-it-makes-me-miserable-and-I-know-it-will-a-holic". Phew. Say that ten times fast.

I have not enjoyed revisiting the place where I say "Fuck it!" and then beat myself up for it, and then do it again! I have gone backwards in the past week. And I don't dig it one single bit. I've been living unintentionally. Not having any direction, or purpose. Flailing about not concentrating on anything, doing a little of everything, accomplishing nothing. It has sucked

I hate this feeling that I'm being dragged along while the crazy person makes all the decisions. It's like when you were little and someone tickled you until you were laugh-screeching for mercy. You loved it, it was so funny, but it was awful because you couldn't escape or breathe. 

I'm learning that I like structure. A lot. That I like telling myself "NO!". It works for me. The easy choice isn't always so easy. Yes, I can cram cookies down my throat while sitting on the computer instead of paying attention to my children and doing a load of laundry. That seems delightful and easy. But then. My face breaks out from the sugar. The children gallop around the house, wanting to be noticed. No one has anything to wear. I feel fat. Easy's not so easy anymore. Fat, yelling, and zitty in dirty jeans: not so delightful. 

I did better yesterday. And then, like magic, this quote appeared this morning. 

And I mother fucking love it. 

p.s. Here's the article if you want to read it.


  1. This is the first year in many that I haven't had to stand out in front of an Acme selling girl scout cookies with my daughter. Because they are out of sight, out of mind, this is the first year I haven't eaten sickening quantities Samoas/caramel delights. One year while pregnant, I ate an entire box in one sitting. They are terribly hard to resist is what I'm saying. At least cookie time only comes once a year.

    Thanks for the link on the article. Please don't beat yourself up over these comforts. All of us went through this in one form or another in early sobriety. You are so far from alone.

    1. It's not really beating up,kind of more of an observation. A strong one. :)

  2. I think they put crack in those motherfucking cookies.

    I love that quote too!


  3. oh dear, well this comment isn't going to win me any popularity contests. i think there's a difference between craving structure, and telling yourself NO. One is making sure your car is on the road (positive choices) and one is yelling STAY AWAY FROM THE GUARDRAILS.
    is it possible to make better choices, rather than saying NO? :) yes, it sounds like semantics, but one is *kind mama* and the other is *mean mama* ... you get to pick the mama. pick kindness ... please please please please please please please :) OK, you can delete my comment now!

    1. I just voted you Most Likely to Give Good Advice. I'm not sure about all that popularity stuff. ;)

      Mmmmm, sometimes saying NO! is the better choice. Don't fret, inner mama doesn't yell. She's just firm. (Unlike my butt from all these cookies. ;))

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. Yikes...I still crave cookies, and especially when I can eat a whole box at once. Ah, the days when I didn't care. Post had me laughing from top to bottom, but loved the image of being tickled until you couldn't stand it. Ego is a dirty word for me - the less of it, the better. The more I can help others, the less I have of it. The more I think of others, the less I have of it. The more I actually *do* things, positive things...the less I have of it. Great post...and thanks for the article link. Great read there too. Cheers! :)

  5. Yes! The more I do what "I" want to do and not what "ego" wants to do the better I feel. My ego is a brat. And does NOT have my best interests at heart.

    p.s. I love that you wrote "cheers!" It's such a happy word, but I never write it cause I don't want to send anyone running for the liquor cabinet. But it's such a happy little word. And innocent in all the dysfunctional boozing. So I'm going to join you. Cheers! :)