I woke up in the middle of Monday night and felt the mind race gearing up so I turned on the TV. I was looking for Law and Order (always on, puts me right to sleep) and the image on the screen froze. So I started flipping channels. They were all frozen. Then this appeared on the screen:
"After eighteen years of sobriety, Terry relapsed two years ago."
Holy shit y'all.
EIGHTEEN YEARS.
RELAPSED.
6570 DAYS.
Holy fucking SHIT y'all.
It turns out the show was "Intervention"- which for me is enthralling and totally depressing. I used to get secret satisfaction from watching people who were waaaayyyyyy more fucked up than me. Then I would rationalize: "I'm not chugging mouthwash in a locked bathroom. Phew. I'm just fine." I liked to see the people get better. That made me feel like if only someone would whisk me away to a fabulous rehab then I could be the sober one waiting for my family to get there. And that my hair would look better.
And then sometimes the catch-up info at the end would say things about relapsing, and getting sober again. And I would think it wasn't possible. That everyone goes back. Why even try?
I haven't watched "Intervention" since I quit drinking. I found out that watching people fucked up on booze and drugs is uncomfortable and depressing. And not (for me) a vehicle of deterrent. More like the bus over the high cliffs of hopeless. I read that sentence on the TV screen and wanted to shake Terry with all my might. I wished I could have been there to yell "DON'T DO IT!!!!" when he picked up that bottle and told himself after EIGHTEEN YEARS that it was OK. (Terry also went back to his crack habit, too. Thank you sweet baby Jesus I never had one of those.) At the intervention he said yes. Then he relapsed again. And then got sober again. And now? Well, who knows?
I have been almost rudely lucky since the stars aligned and I chose to get sober when I was exactly the readiest. I don't want to drink. Most of the time. Ninety percent of it. The I see some shit like that and I feel like I might need a suit of armor. A bodyguard. Or at least a guard dog. A mouth chastity belt? Now that would be cool. Right. Mouth locks are the new black.
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| This looks comfy eh? |
I don't want to be at my sons' wedding in eighteen years and blow it. "Why is mom doing keg stands at the family reunion?" Lord.
I don't tell myself, "I won't drink today, just for today. I can drink tomorrow if I want to." I tell myself, "You can never ever drink again. It ruins you." Because then for me there is no decision to be made. It's kind of like asking if I'll push that old lady in front of the speeding train. It's the never asked question. There is no question. The answer is always "NO!!!". And you really don't have to ask. This doesn't work for everybody. The thought of never drinking again makes me feel relieved, not desperate. It could be all in the way you look at it. Or it could be just me. But it works for me. And hopefully it will for years.
I swear...reading you is like reading the feelings of a "mini-me".
ReplyDeleteI too used to watch Intervention (while drinking of course...oh the irony)religiously every Monday night. I too used to watch (I think) so that I could say to myself, well at least I'm not THAT bad.
AND, like you, I can't watch it anymore. I tried after I got sober and once in awhile I'll fall on an episode, but I only make it through about five minutes before I have to change the channel.
I can't watch the train go down the track anymore...whether it crashes or finally pulls into the station safe and sound...it make me uncomfortable to watch.
AND FINALLY, I, like you, also do not tell myself the "I won't drink today, just for today, maybe I will tomorrow," because that didn't work for me. I recommend it to those who are struggling because it does work for so many. Me? Not so much.
I'm more the, "You can't ever drink again so cowgirl up and deal."
As they say, "whatever gets you through the night...it's alright...it's alright".
Sherry
"Cowgirl up and deal!" Another great mantra for staying the course.
DeleteWe are kind of attached at the brain, aren't we? :)
Ah Intervention...as comic David Cross once said "I'm addicted to that show!". I can watch it now, but there was a time where I couldn't. I was just getting past the fuzz of early sobriety, and I didn't need to see Curly Sue and Bobby Joe chugging moonshine and Aqua Velva while their family pleaded with them to stop. I was separated from my family after being asked to leave the house a few weeks before getting sober, so family things were not in bounds yet.
ReplyDeleteI also get that frustration when people relapse - on TV and in real life. I used to take it personally (hello ego)...and now, well, it is what it is, unfortunately.
The idea of not drinking ever again doesn't frighten me either. I'm in AA, but I am not of the "one day at a time" mentality. My intention is to not drink again ever. Do I see it happening? Yes, for sure. Can I guarantee it? No. I can easily be Terry there (minus the crack), but I don't see it. But I have to do what I have to do to make sure it doesn't happen. So I, like you, find solace in the making that statement of never drinking again. It just takes some action for me to see it through.
Wonderful post...again.
Cheers ;) <---glad you enjoy that. It's about
as innocent as I can be about it!
"I'm addicted to that show!" Hilarious!
DeleteWe could all easily be Terry. It helps to have our blogging community to be "responsible" to. There are no guarantees, but plenty of choices.
Cheers! :)
Girl, you got a mouth on you! You make me smile.
ReplyDeleteI never watched Intervention because it was a little too close for comfort for me, I was that bad, well maybe not Aqua Velva bad, but close. I'm active on a message board that has a couple of members that relapsed after 20+ years. WTF???
But then again I made the comment just yesterday, when speculating about a horrible event happening, "I'd probably start drinking again."
So never say never.
I know! I've felt a little like a sailor lately. ;)
DeleteI cannot imagine going back after 20 years??? Do you just start feeling safe? Like "Oh, it's been twenty years. I'm fine by now." Then you end up hammered staring at yourself in the mirror mind yelling "WHY???" Agh! And then...
I think it's better to just not to. Ever. Cause that 20+years I spent drinking didn't "fix" anything. That "soulution" just doesn't work.
Say never. On that one I think it's best.
I also used to watch Intervention while drinking. It was part of my education. That and Celebrity Rehab, oh and once I got a great A-Ha moment watching a programme about overeaters on Oprah! Like you I just think 'I can never drink again' as even though it's more monumental it makes life a lot simpler. Love your work xxx
ReplyDeleteCelebrity rehab!!! I loved that show! I definitely liked to watch people with messed up lives get better.
DeleteNever again does make it a lot simpler.
Thank you for the compliment! :)
God, yes, I know, those sort of stories scare the bejusus out of me. It's upsetting to feel like maybe you're never really *safe* no matter how well you're doing, but I guess that's one it's good to keep talking to fellow addicts and remind yourself that it wasn't ok.
ReplyDeleteI love hearing your words about knowing it's forever and it being a relief. I have to admit I'm *still* not there - the forever still freaks me out - but I totally get it. I get how it could be a relief and I'd like to get there.
Keep kicking ass my friend.
Lilly x
You are *safe*. A bottle of wine cannot grab you and pour itself down your throat. (A wine bottles' biggest problem: no arms.)
DeleteIt comes down to abandoning the idea that you are a better you when drinking. I never woke up and thought, "Oh whoa. I am so awesome! I got drunk last night! I said a bunch of stuff I don't remember, and now I feel like hell. I feel great about myself! There really is something to this drinking thing!"
And if you let yourself, you will get there. :)
You ARE kicking ass! Goooooooooo Lilly! :)
Yep, I'm much happier thinking/saying "I'm not drinking again ever." Decision made. If I had to revisit that every day it would totally do my head in. Enjoying your posts, thanks!
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way. Having to face that choice every day? I'd be drunk in no time. My thought process was always, "Well. I'll just do it today. Then not tomorrow." That didn't work out so swell. It's easier to have it not even be an option.
DeleteGlad to hear you're enjoying my posts. Thank you! :)
How chancey, how interesting that that came up on screen.
ReplyDeleteI always thought it's okay to have a drink after 18 years as you have overcome the demons & are in control, so it always surprises me when I read something like this. Really interesting post.