Now I'm noticing me noticing feeling resentful. I can sort of laugh at myself and think "Wow. You get mad about stuff a lot. A lot of stupid stuff."
I think it has to do with the fact that my life was so whacked out that I latched on to any opportunity to feel like I was in charge of the ship. "I may be blitzed by 8 o'clock, but dammit the house is clean!" Like the outward organization would fool my insides into thinking everything was copacetic. If my environment was neat, then the sloppy insides wouldn't be real. Because if I was really a mess then you could see it. If I'm yelling at you because the children watch too much TV then no one will notice that I'm the one not paying attention.
So the house was mostly clean, my husband was constantly on edge, and the children were gnawing their nails down to the quick. Oh. Wait.
Poor husband. He got and still gets the brunt of it. "Why isn't the dishwasher unloaded! The laundry put away! AGHHHH!" As soon as I walk in the door I can blow the day in two minutes. It takes forever to get it back. When I'm in the middle of the resentment I cannot stop. It's like two glasses of wine-why not get wasted? I'm feeling resentful-why not ruin it for everyone?
Resentment is kind of like lying to yourself. It's like telling yourself you deserve to be angry because your life isn't magically falling into place. And also blaming people around you for not being psychic.
It's a big waste of time.
Getting sober is an act of noticing. Noticing when you're wasting your time. Noticing when your self is being just plain stupid about something. Noticing when you notice and then you do something about it. Noticing and then moving on since you don't have to be stuck in an around and around merry-go-round of resenting the same things over and over again. When you get to the part where you actually resent something it is definitely time to let it go or find a way to deal. Step off the carnival ride.
The coolest thing about getting sober is learning all these interesting things about yourself. And then instead of drowning them in drink you can love them or lose them.
29 days today. :)