Friday, January 4, 2013


I've noticed a LOT lately that I am resentful about everything sometimes. Maybe it's because everything used  to take such effort. Unload the dishwasher? I'm kinda tired. Change the sheets? Too hard. Make a life? Maybe tomorrow.

Now I'm noticing me noticing feeling resentful. I can sort of laugh at myself and think "Wow. You get mad about stuff a lot. A lot of stupid stuff."

I think it has to do with the fact that my life was so whacked out that I latched on to any opportunity to feel like I was in charge of the ship. "I may be blitzed by 8 o'clock, but dammit the house is clean!" Like the outward organization would fool my insides into thinking everything was copacetic. If my environment was neat, then the sloppy insides wouldn't be real. Because if I was really a mess then you could see it. If I'm yelling at you because the children watch too much TV then no one will notice that I'm the one not paying attention.

So the house was mostly clean, my husband was constantly on edge, and the children were gnawing their nails down to the quick. Oh. Wait.

Poor husband. He got and still gets the brunt of it. "Why isn't the dishwasher unloaded! The laundry put away! AGHHHH!" As soon as I walk in the door I can blow the day in two minutes. It takes forever to get it back. When I'm in the middle of the resentment I cannot stop. It's like two glasses of wine-why not get wasted? I'm feeling resentful-why not ruin it for everyone?

Resentment is kind of like lying to yourself. It's like telling yourself you deserve to be angry because your life isn't magically falling into place. And also blaming people around you for not being psychic.

It's a big waste of time.

Getting sober is an act of noticing. Noticing when you're wasting your time. Noticing when your self is being just plain stupid about something. Noticing when you notice and then you do something about it. Noticing and then moving on since you don't have to be stuck in an around and around merry-go-round of resenting the same things over and over again. When you get to the part where you actually resent something it is definitely time to let it go or find a way to deal. Step off the carnival ride.

The coolest thing about getting sober is learning all these interesting things about yourself. And then instead of drowning them in drink you can love them or lose them.

29 days today. :)


  1. You're doing great! Interesting comments today. I love you and am proud of your effort. Keep it going!

  2. Hi Amy,

    Just read through all your posts. You're sober enthusiasm is infectious! I'm toying with the idea of giving up drinking completely. I don't drink that much but even one or two glasses of wine make me soooo tired and headachy the next day. Such a waste. But I really struggle with being completely abstinent. I can't seem it say no when anyone offers me a glass. Still succumbing to peer pressure at 48 hmmm. What you've written about being a people pleaser and worrying about making everyone else comfortable really resonated with me. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. I wish you well.

    1. Hi Ann! I'm reading this book now called "Kick the Drink...Easily" by Jason Vale. You might enjoy what he has to say- it's a different perspective than the "lifetime of struggle" approach giving up alcohol usually has.

      One thing I'm learning is that pleasing me is important too. And that by pleasing me I can see what will really please others. And that if doing something to make someone else happy makes me miserable then forget it. I still need a lot of practice, and it sounds like you do too. :)

      Try thinking about what you really want first. And remember the people who care for you want you to be happy.

      And if you don't want that glass of wine, say no. The moment will pass. It might be uncomfortable for that moment, but that's loads better than being tired and headachy the whole next day.

      Thanks for reading. Keep me posted. :)

  3. "If I'm yelling at you because the children watch too much TV then no one will notice that I'm the one not paying attention."


    I was a stone cold bitch for the first month or so. I was scared, mourning my best friend (wine), and just pissed off that I wasn't like everyone else (normies). My pink cloud didn't really kick in until about the middle of month 2 as I recall. Poor hubs...he took the brunt of all of my resentment.

    BUT - he said he'd rather have me bitchy and sober then not bitchy and "blitzed by 8 o'clock".

    You're doing great...just one day at a time.


    1. It comes in fits and starts. I'll be fine and then...blammo!

      BUT! I am so much better than I was when I was fighting a pounding hangover.

      Thanks for checking in. :)

  4. MY GOD is it 29 days already? holy wowie! good for you :) glad i'm along for the ride...

    1. Thank you. :) I'm glad you're along too. Maybe we should make a bumper sticker... "Belle is my co-pilot." ;)